Lost.

I wanted to capture this before the memory faded, in case you or someone else ever needed to hear it. It's about the state that I was in for months before re-starting these letters. The essence is this:

It's ok to feel lost. And it also sucks to live through.

See, earlier this year, after I quit a job that wasn't right for me, I went through the normal stages of realizing I was burnt out, fighting it, giving in to it, and then taking real time off to recover and recharge. Normally, after I've recovered from burnout, I get up and kick things off again, start moving.

But this time - nothing.

Day after day, for months, I got up, looked around - and felt nothing.

No spark, no "I want to go make this or explore that". No excitement.

And friend, that is not what it's usually like to be be me. I usually have a million ideas and things I want to do today; the challenge is in narrowing them down, deciding which is right for this moment.

But to look around, from project to project that I know I should love doing and feel nothing? Ugh. It was awful.

More than awful. It was disorienting. Scary. I felt the days of my life ticking past and me just sitting there and letting them.

I had thoughts like am I just getting old? Is this what life turns into? Because the malaise had no particular cause (a lot like my usual experience of depression,) it was disorienting, hard to differentiate how I feel now with how I'll feel forever.

There was an impotence, a helplessness, a particular kind of stuck that I've never felt before.

The worst part was that there were plenty of things in front of me - but none of them sparked me alive. I went out and shot photos in Paris and felt meh. Looked at sketches for the change monsters and felt this feels like an impossible, far-off dream. Tried to write and alternated between a blank page and uninspired collections of words that didn't bear repeating.

Friends, I even felt almost bored at times. And I have never as an adult experienced boredom.

I was whiny, full of ennui, annoying to be around. Hell, I was annoyed with being around myself.

Gratefully, slowly, this did eventually lift. I wish I could tell you how. Maybe it was a random encounter with a stranger jarring me loose, maybe it was just enough time and space. Maybe it was getting to the point that I was so frustrated with doing nothing that fuck it, why not? won. Maybe I got enough sleep. Maybe I didn't get enough. It could have been one of a thousand things, and I'll never really know what knocked me loose, back to alive.

But I do know that if you're in one of those spaces - and future me, if you're there again in the future - just hold on.

Keep trying things. They might work or might not, but it's better than doing nothing.

Take rest when you need rest. Fields need to lie fallow every few years, and we need to lie fallow for times as well.

But most of all, have faith. Have faith that this phase, like all the ones before it, will pass.

With lots of love, -Steven

p.s. The best thing I saw all week was the OLYMPICS. They're in full swing here in Paris, and I'm going to as many things as I can, taking too many photos, and getting nowhere near enough sleep. There are crowds screaming out my window right now at the archery finals. Once I've gotten rest and time, rest assured that I'll tell these stories and share lots of photos. :)

But the best thing I can share is the uncut French version of the opening ceremony. It was an insane fever dream of a show, and if you haven't seen it in all its unadulterated glory, it's worth a watch. :) (France TV, but it's free to create an account and watch.)