Yep, Still Depression

Depression has been around increasingly this past week, and by Friday, Aunt Dee had decided to plop herself on my (rather tiny) couch in Tokyo and start spouting all her crazy awful shit. Again. (Seriously, how does she keep finding my address?)

I was also running out of days in Tokyo before heading further South, and feeling the pressure to get out and get some last glimpses of this city.

So on Saturday, I woke up. Looked around. Felt what I was feeling. Yep. Still there. Still awful, just on the edge of breaking into tears, the world desaturated, vaguely hopeless, surrounded by the big grey sea.

And I decided, you know what, I learned some shit in therapy all those years ago and I am not going to feel worse than this today, no matter what I do. And I can manage feeling like this.

So I piled some clothes on, skipped shaving (save those spoons), and backed myself out the door. Train. One beep for the pasmo payment, and then I folded forward through the sliding train doors, found a seat, rode an hour from my house and got out.

The light was glorious, and I felt terrible while shooting photos.

I wandered into a random art opening even though I don't speak good enough Japanese to navigate that situation - because, again, nothing is going to happen in that opening that will make me feel worse than I did. It was really interesting, with an artist who is mixing mixed-medium visual art with AR, projection mapping, bits of code, and two cultures. It was fascinating and something I'd normally miss and I felt terrible the whole time.

I headed over to Akihabara, ordered some delicious food and felt hopeless and awful the whole time I was eating it. But it really was delicious.

I wandered the stories of Yodobashi, what feels like the world's largest store for things that plug in or that you can write with (my exact type of geekery), and found a really nice set of ink brushes and the lightest weight plug adapter I've ever seen. You guessed it, felt terrible.

Rode the train home, stopped by the neighborhood restaurant I've always been too shy to go into because again - what's the worst that can happen? Was greeted by some lovely people, found my way through ordering, and enjoyed this savory autumn special that is one of the best things I've eaten here. Taste buds overwhelmed and slow-motion dancing; still on the verge of tears.

Walked through my door, set down my bag, and found the couch.

Depression, sometimes is like this. If Aunt Dee handcuffs herself to your leg, you just drag her sorry ass all over town. Will you feel better? Probably not.

But hey, that's ok. At the end of the day, I'd eaten two delicious meals at new places, taken some images I'll probably be really excited about and feel proud of once this storm clears, and I'll press those new brushes to page for months to come.

It was a really good day. It just never felt that way.

And sometimes, that's ok too.

To be clear: I am not saying, "If you're experiencing depression, push through the awful feelings and do shit." The day before this I sat on the couch. The two days after felt like someone close to me died (they did not), with a constant barrage of the crazy thoughts, and the biggest thing I accomplished was making it through a work call without breaking down completely.

I share it to say, "man, this stuff that messes with our heads is weird, and sometimes, there are days like this too."

If you deal with depression, know that all the kinds of days are ok. And keep hanging in there. We're all in this together. Get through today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

With lots of love, -Steven

p.s. The best thing I saw this week was so perfect. It was this short little video of a wolf pup trying to howl - but who can't quite get it out yet. If you need sixty seconds of adorable today, this is it. :)