The Long Goodbye

Tomorrow starts my last week in Thailand for at least a little while, but the long goodbye started weeks ago. City-exploring fading away, less time and energy put into maintaining my ability to speak Thai, not as much into building and keeping friendships here.

One by one, untying, letting go.

Thailand is a country I've grown to love, and I have little doubt I'll be back someday. It's also been a space I've blossomed like never before.

Here, devoid of all my cues and routines, I just fell into being the person I actually am. I have never been this grounded. I have never been this whole.

I looked back at my two-year list this Friday. I made it last summer, in a month-long exploration - finding the things I most value, thinking of ways I could make them come to life. Making goals around those.

I read a part of that list, the core of me, and I cried.

Here's what it really is, the core of me.
I come alive helping people realize their true selves. Living lives that line up with the things they value.
I come alive talking about the aliveness, and connectedness of all things, of being with plants and moss and rocks and tables.
I come alive when I am with words, poems, as a writer and a reader.
I come alive *making* - building things like will and mindful browsing and poemhub.
I come alive when I am deeply in love, adoring, true.
Those things are me.

I read it, my jaw fell open, and time ebbed slow.

Somehow, here, in a foreign country where I landed knowing zero human beings and zero words, I was doing every one of those things, every day.

I was living a life completely in line with my values.

There will be a time to be excited for the weeks and months ahead: to see my friends and family, to explore a new country (and bathe in my most favorite language.)

But in these moments, the week I have left, I'm going to soak in the Thailand, and send out every bit of gratitude I own.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.